I can very much relate. I rode that roller coaster to the end. My mother lived with me and my family for her last 6 years and then chose to commit suicide by covid, meaning she chose to get sick. She refused to leave our home when we all got sick. We tried to send her to my brother's home at the first sign of illness. She isolated herself from us long before my husband got sick and then when he did get sick, she suddenly comes out of her room and has to be right there with us. When we finally did convince her to go, she hid her medications from them. Thankfully my brother and his wife had already had it and we're not at risk according to their doctor. But Mom put them through the wringer and ended up dying (with hospice care) in their home. I was both sad and angry. I felt cheated because I'd basically built my life around her from the tender age of 7 when my parents divorced. I spent so much of my life trying to make her happy and keep her on an even keel, that I pretty much lost myself in the process. I'm still working on finding myself, but it's hard to find someone who was never really able to develop in the first place. I felt, much like you stated, I loved my mother but I didn't always like her. Thank you for your post. I've spent a great deal of the last 5 1/2 years feeling guilty for the relief of being out of that situation. It's so good to know I'm not alone in my feelings. I appreciate your message more than you can imagine.
Hi Linda, Your story breaks my heart. I am so sorry . . . Your line: ". . . it's hard to find someone who was never really able to develop in the first place" rings so true. While I may never really understand it, that was also absolutely my experience. It was as though, from birth, I'd been appointed to affix myself to her, calming every insecurity, righting every wrong, aligning myself with her, unconditionally. Trying to break free has been a long process and maybe we never fully will. But trust me, you are not alone in your feelings!
Susan, I read these words and cried. This is what I lived through with my mom. The moves from assisted living to nursing care and everything in between as I cared for her during her progressing dementia and kidney disease. The most difficulty journey in my life to date.
Hi Barb, Thank you for the kind words. Yes, I'm thinking this is one of life's biggest transitions. Starts with the journey, then progresses to what will probably a rest-of-our-lives transition. Really appreciate the support . . .
Your so welcome. I wish I had this community when I was dealing with this in my life. I had two small children and was caring for my mom. It was overwhelming.
Oh Susan, giving you a big big hug right now. This is powerful. You are enough. You are so worthy of choosing yourself and the family you’ve created. Much love to you, dear friend. XO 💗
From a very early age, I knew that as a woman, just because you CAN have children, doesnt mean that you should. I never baby sat kids like my friends because I did not have the same feelings about babies and toddlers. I do not regret having my kids but I recognize that I was not good at nurturing my children. My relationship with my Mother was fantastic. She lived with me for ten years until her age of 96 and we were great for each other. I realize that I will not have that experience with my offspring. I have apologized to each of them for not being enough for them and I do not expect them to tend to me in my last days. Seeing my children being great parents is my source of pride that they were able to succeed and thrive in spite of me. In reading your words, I am grateful that I was able to acknowledge my lack of parental care and gift my children peace. They know they are whole, loving humans, worthy of all the love they receive. Thank you for sharing and may you enjoy your peace with your family.
Hi Sylvia, Wow, I'm overtaken with your response. Your insights relative to mother/children dynamics, especially where you are concerned are inspiring. Honestly, I think we all do the best we can. It's just that sometimes that's not enough. Your honesty with your own children has, I'm sure, been life-changing for them.
I can’t say I’m surprised that you have come to this place, but I am proud that you have chosen yourself because you have sacrificed so much of your happiness futilely for decades for a narcissistic, gaslighting Mother who was never worthy of that sacrifice. Big hug to you and I’m hoping we can connect soon my friend. 💜
I can very much relate. I rode that roller coaster to the end. My mother lived with me and my family for her last 6 years and then chose to commit suicide by covid, meaning she chose to get sick. She refused to leave our home when we all got sick. We tried to send her to my brother's home at the first sign of illness. She isolated herself from us long before my husband got sick and then when he did get sick, she suddenly comes out of her room and has to be right there with us. When we finally did convince her to go, she hid her medications from them. Thankfully my brother and his wife had already had it and we're not at risk according to their doctor. But Mom put them through the wringer and ended up dying (with hospice care) in their home. I was both sad and angry. I felt cheated because I'd basically built my life around her from the tender age of 7 when my parents divorced. I spent so much of my life trying to make her happy and keep her on an even keel, that I pretty much lost myself in the process. I'm still working on finding myself, but it's hard to find someone who was never really able to develop in the first place. I felt, much like you stated, I loved my mother but I didn't always like her. Thank you for your post. I've spent a great deal of the last 5 1/2 years feeling guilty for the relief of being out of that situation. It's so good to know I'm not alone in my feelings. I appreciate your message more than you can imagine.
Hi Linda, Your story breaks my heart. I am so sorry . . . Your line: ". . . it's hard to find someone who was never really able to develop in the first place" rings so true. While I may never really understand it, that was also absolutely my experience. It was as though, from birth, I'd been appointed to affix myself to her, calming every insecurity, righting every wrong, aligning myself with her, unconditionally. Trying to break free has been a long process and maybe we never fully will. But trust me, you are not alone in your feelings!
Susan, I read these words and cried. This is what I lived through with my mom. The moves from assisted living to nursing care and everything in between as I cared for her during her progressing dementia and kidney disease. The most difficulty journey in my life to date.
I hear you and I am praying for you.
Hi Barb, Thank you for the kind words. Yes, I'm thinking this is one of life's biggest transitions. Starts with the journey, then progresses to what will probably a rest-of-our-lives transition. Really appreciate the support . . .
Your so welcome. I wish I had this community when I was dealing with this in my life. I had two small children and was caring for my mom. It was overwhelming.
Oh Susan, giving you a big big hug right now. This is powerful. You are enough. You are so worthy of choosing yourself and the family you’ve created. Much love to you, dear friend. XO 💗
Thanks, Marko. Tough stuff . . .
From a very early age, I knew that as a woman, just because you CAN have children, doesnt mean that you should. I never baby sat kids like my friends because I did not have the same feelings about babies and toddlers. I do not regret having my kids but I recognize that I was not good at nurturing my children. My relationship with my Mother was fantastic. She lived with me for ten years until her age of 96 and we were great for each other. I realize that I will not have that experience with my offspring. I have apologized to each of them for not being enough for them and I do not expect them to tend to me in my last days. Seeing my children being great parents is my source of pride that they were able to succeed and thrive in spite of me. In reading your words, I am grateful that I was able to acknowledge my lack of parental care and gift my children peace. They know they are whole, loving humans, worthy of all the love they receive. Thank you for sharing and may you enjoy your peace with your family.
Hi Sylvia, Wow, I'm overtaken with your response. Your insights relative to mother/children dynamics, especially where you are concerned are inspiring. Honestly, I think we all do the best we can. It's just that sometimes that's not enough. Your honesty with your own children has, I'm sure, been life-changing for them.
Thank you.
I can’t say I’m surprised that you have come to this place, but I am proud that you have chosen yourself because you have sacrificed so much of your happiness futilely for decades for a narcissistic, gaslighting Mother who was never worthy of that sacrifice. Big hug to you and I’m hoping we can connect soon my friend. 💜